View: Theme Parks

My view on: Amusement Parks

Sunburns suck. I am now suffering from a medium case of sunburn. You see, I just went to Mt. Olympus. Well, not the real Mt. Olympus. It's not like I was kicking it old-school with the mighty pantheon of ancient Greece, even though that would be pretty neat...No, I went to the Mt. Olympus Water/Theme Park in the Wisconsin Dells. Good times, let me tell ya! Except for the aforementioned sunburn, of course. Red, irritated skin doesn't make for a good time, trust me. But that's what happens when you spend over 4 hours in the hot sun without a shirt. Curse you water rides!

Reflecting on this experience, and others like it, I started thinking about amusement parks. They're an integral part of our vacations, or other fun times. What is it about them that we like? What don't we like about them? What works? What doesn't work? How do they run things, and how could they do it better? All of these questions, and more, tonight at 10 pm! Wait, I changed my mind, I'll answer them now.

The first thing I wanna talk about is roller-coasters. I want to talk about how much I love them. Boy, are they great! Nothing makes you feel more alive and filled with adrenaline, yet keeps you relatively safe. You can keep your sky-diving and shark cages, I'm going with roller-coasters. But not all coasters are created equally. Some coasters ruin the fun that they are supposed to give people. In case you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about wooden roller-coasters.

Wooden roller-coasters are an artifact from long ago. They go back to those magical, black and white times of yesteryear. A fine gentleman would mosey down to Coney Island, with his sweetie in tow, and buy two tickets for a nickel a piece. Him and his lovely dearest would then enjoy a swell ride down the fantastical speeder deluxe. Then they'd get off the ride, 10 seconds later, and enjoy a bag of popcorn together.

Let's come back to the present, shall we? Wooden coasters are rough. They're bumpy, shaky, and they do their best to misalign your spinal column into a twisted mess. You're practically guaranteed to leave the coaster in worse physical shape before you got on. Yes, nothing says “exciting” better than a splitting-headache, with a side of nausea! Also, they're not quite as safe. All the wooden coaster will offer you is a seat belt, and maybe a bar that will rest on top of your lap. Hardly what I'd call “reassuring.”

Not only are they painful; wooden coasters are just plain boring, in this day and age. Wood has it's limitations in just how high you can build it. You won't be going very high, that's for sure. Don't even think about loop-de-loops or barrel-rolls. Those type of things make grandpa coaster feel confused and scared. You'd best stick to the ground, sonny boy! So, please, can we put wooden roller-coasters to rest? It's high time we did so.

Then we can get back to having fun, on steel roller-coasters. These babies are the real deal! They don't mess around! Steel coasters will give a shock to your system in no time flat. With them, you're going to shoot out of the lobby at an instant 60 mph, fly around the bend, climb up an agonizing 600 ft into the air...waiting...and waiting...watching everything below you grow smaller, and smaller. You're still waiting, trying to look past the people in front of you. You can't really see much, but you can kind of spot the top of the hill. It's really far ahead, looming like a mountain.

Finally, you approach the very top of the ride. Your heart sinks, as the momentum begins to dip forward. Then you catch a glimpse of the drop. HOW CAN IT BE THAT STEEP?

rrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

The coaster roars down the drop! You can't help but scream, as the air is dragged out of your lungs. Your eyelids blast wide-open, unable to process the shocking sight before you. Your breath comes back, but only in quick gasps, because you can't stop screaming. Your body leans in with the curves, instead of working against them, like in wooden coasters. Then comes the loop! Your whole world turns upside-down, as the sky trades places with the ground. You rush back down the loop, and go around the next bend. You come up to a barrel-roll, and your body makes a nice, counter-clockwise rotation. You might as well be a supersonic jet!

You come up to hill after hill. Your sense of gravity is quite distorted, as you feel your gastric juices float up inside your stomach, and then come back down. Again, and again, the zero gravity effects are relentless. Another turn, and a mad dash to the exit. Suddenly, hit the brakes! Your legs stick out straight in front of you, as the coaster screeches to a halt. And then...it's over. The rush of your life is complete, and you let out one final scream of victory. WHAHOOOO!!!

Steel coasters are amazing. Compared with wooden coasters, they are faster, are capable of better stunts, they're smoother, and even safer. Steel coasters usually give you an entire harness to strap yourself in. They cover your shoulders, stabilize your head, and provide a divider for your lap, so you won't be slipping out. They are a much better experience, over all, and the sooner they phase out wooden coasters, the better off we'll be.

Roller-coasters are just one type of experience that an amusement park offers. If you want to see the rest of the park, you're gonna have to walk. You're gonna have to walk a lot. After being in an amusement park for most of the day, you'll swear that you've just run a 10 K. It is so exhausting! Your feet will be begging for mercy in no time.

But you know what? That's a good thing. We all need more exercise. Most of the time, exercise isn't that tempting. But there is no better incentive to keep going then to know that you're one step closer to that awesome ride. Go ahead, walk around a while. You'll have lots of fun on the rides, and your body will burn off some calories. It's a win-win situation.

The same can't be said for your money. I would say this is probably the worst part about amusement parks. They will eat up your cash, fast! The spending starts before you even get there. Most of us don't live right next to Six Flags. So, you're gonna have to fill up that gas tank in your van. Parking is gonna set you back around $10, or so. You've gotta pay to get in the park, of course, so that will take some spending. The park doesn't allow outside food or drinks. So, once lunchtime hits, you'll have to buy meals for everyone. And it isn't going to be cost-effective. Theme park execs know that they can charge whatever they want for their food, because you won't be getting it anywhere else. Taking advantage of that, get ready to pay double for drinks, french fries, and pizza. The dollar menu? Try the $5 menu. Ouch.

After you're done munching on over-priced junk food, you're likely to pass by some other rides. But these aren't ordinary rides. Some of them strap you in to a cage connected to two towers by bungee ropes. It's like a giant sling-shot. Other rides will string you and a loved one together, and swing you back and forth, as if you were actually flying. These rides look great! But there's a catch: These rides don't come along with the tickets you initially purchased to get into the park. You're gonna have to pay an extra $10 a person if you want to experience these special rides. Either you cough up the dough, or you don't get to ride. While you're at it, don't forget to spend another $10 or more to own the dvd that shows off that girly scream you made on the ride.

You haven't seen the worst of it, yet. Sooner or later, you're gonna walk by a gift shop. Or worse, the gift shop will be built into the natural path of the park, so you can't avoid it at all! Everything in here is scam-elicous. Themed T-shirts for $20. Water bottles. Toys made from the park's mascot(s). Battery-operated mini-fans. Postcards. Doo-dads and trinkets. Just about any bit of useless junk you can think of is trying to get at every dollar bill in your wallet.

One other major part of money-spending in parks includes those devious games sprinkled throughout the park. At some point, you're bound to come upon a basketball game or a water-squirting game, showing off big stuffed animals of gargantuan proportions. They're just begging you to plunk down a few singles, and try to beat the game. But they always end up being just out of reach. $15 dollars later, and all you've got to show for it is some stupid inflatable hammer. And your brother won't stop whacking you in the head with it!

In general, spending money at theme parks is inevitable. And it is usually worth it, just for the unique sense of adventure and excitement. You can't find it anywhere else! Just be ready to pay an arm and a leg for it.

Another part of the theme park experience can include things like go-karts or water rides. Some parks make use of them, while others go with bumper cars, or ferris wheels, or other types of amusements. These provide variety in the park, offering a different kind of fun. Let's start with the go-karts. At worst, these things can be average rides that let you push a pedal, and go around a circle 3-4 times. Please tell me something: Why are the karts so old? They're always covered in rust, and sputter like some low rider dying in the junkyard. It's embarrassing. No matter, the better go-karts can surpass their humble appearances. These high-grade go-kart tracks feature tunnels, swirling platforms, and even let you swerve around giant complexes, almost like a roller-coaster. It can be great fun to race around these larger than life tracks, doing your best to get ahead of your best friend. Make sure he doesn't box you in! You've gotta beat him!

Raft rides can be a thrilling and refreshing part of a theme park. These should not be confused with the rafts you find on giant water slides in water parks. No, these rafts are just another part of the theme park, and coast down predetermined rapids and under gushing waterfalls. On a hot day, you pretty much have to ride them. Just remember that your clothes will end up getting wet, possibly soaked. But that shouldn't matter, right? It's not like people go the theme parks in a business suit. So, you and all your companions strap in, and ride the rapids. These things usually involve dark tunnels, unexpected blasts of water, and the aforementioned waterfalls. Funny thing about the raft rides, they're unpredictable. Your buddy might come off the ride unscathed, but you might end up getting stuck under the waterfall, leaving the ride completely drenched. Nothing feels weirder than squishy, sloshed gym shoes, eh?

Let's hope all that water doesn't interfere with that stamp on top of your left hand. After all, you need that to get into the park in the first place. I'm personally not a fan of those stamps. That ink is kind of garish, and can be sometimes itchy. Then it stays on your hand for a few days straight, until the skin on your hand dies and peels. The wristband option is the way to go, in my opinion. It's a nice little clip, right at the beginning of the park, then it stays on your wrist all day. Finally, when the time comes to remove it, all it takes is a quick little snip from some scissors or a knife. Maybe you can use your teeth, if you don't mind the dental damage. Sure, they make you look like you just came out of your local hospital, but they're a better option than those unsightly ink stamps.

Wristband, ink stamp, whatever. You need them to get into amusement parks. Amusement parks. Those wondrous, surreal landscapes. Some of the best memories that I have are related to them. Those memories showcase some of my greatest emotions, and remind me of the happiest days of my life. What is it about them that makes them so alluring to us? Why do we like them so much?

I can't say for sure. I guess it has to do with our human condition. As humans, we have a lot of problems to deal with on a regular basis. Real problems. Not just something simple, like losing the remote control for the tv, or making enough room for that last paper plate in the garbage can. Some problems are gigantic, and take up a lot of our thoughts. We can't help but think about them, almost constantly. We muse upon them. So, as humans, we seek amusement. Something to take us away from our problems. Give us the break we need so very badly.

Theme parks make for a great escape. They provide us with fun and adventure we could never experience in a regular setting. They're larger than life. For some, a dream come true. This is why they're known as amusement parks. They are places we can travel to. It's kind of like running away from home, in a way. But much better than that. We have a great time when we go, and create memories that will last a life time. Then, we can come home, ready to tackle any problems we left behind...As well as a few new problems, coming from our hurting finances. Ah well...

It is what it is.

- JC